yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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