Texts From Last Night

Sam981's Favorites Texts:

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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.

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  (912): I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe. http://tfl.nu/1u5h
  Replies (12) Good night (2451) Bad night (237)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.

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  (802): You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars. (1-802): A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning. http://tfl.nu/iq00
  Replies (6) Good night (1363) Bad night (188) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.

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  (518): I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive. http://tfl.nu/rul5
  Replies (7) Good night (1682) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.

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  (603): I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy. http://tfl.nu/wb79
  Replies (2) Good night (663) Bad night (408)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

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  (404): PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!! http://tfl.nu/r6da
  Replies (12) Good night (1667) Bad night (393)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You need a sexual gate keeper

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  (317): You need a sexual gate keeper http://tfl.nu/r2za
  Replies (7) Good night (584) Bad night (234) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?

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  (613): Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus? http://tfl.nu/amrt
  Replies (3) Good night (181) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.

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  (580): I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian. http://tfl.nu/4ukn
  Replies (3) Good night (638) Bad night (131) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Found an old burrito under my bed

  (415): View more from California

  You are a sick fuck

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  (510): Found an old burrito under my bed (415): You are a sick fuck http://tfl.nu/1myp
  Replies (5) Good night (340) Bad night (668)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??

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  (304): Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun?? http://tfl.nu/lwzi
  Replies (3) Good night (730) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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  (360): I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise. http://tfl.nu/2iu1
  Replies (7) Good night (1378) Bad night (190)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?

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  (785): Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird? http://tfl.nu/9vh0
  Replies (8) Good night (1170) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

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  (847): That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy. (847): You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth. http://tfl.nu/gv40
  Replies (11) Good night (1827) Bad night (524)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Lets go hit some boners bro!

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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  (989): Lets go hit some boners bro! (1-989): I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk. http://tfl.nu/w0yr
  Replies (7) Good night (2232) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.

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  (215): tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours. http://tfl.nu/k3ze
  Replies (9) Good night (978) Bad night (210)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time

  (917): View more from New York City

  An adult?

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  (516): Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time (917): An adult? http://tfl.nu/ka62
  Replies (3) Good night (1174) Bad night (195)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.

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  (715): i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy. http://tfl.nu/dafx
  Replies (0) Good night (787) Bad night (182) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

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  (251): We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies. http://tfl.nu/6jxt
  Replies (5) Good night (1090) Bad night (264) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.

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  (520): Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties. http://tfl.nu/5b50
  Replies (2) Good night (835) Bad night (170) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.

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  (262): You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM. http://tfl.nu/legz
  Replies (3) Good night (1267) Bad night (221)
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  (707): View more from California

  Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer

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  (707): Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer http://tfl.nu/jesn
  Replies (2) Good night (381) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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  (803): I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids! (1-803): Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew. http://tfl.nu/h7pj
  Replies (6) Good night (1681) Bad night (407)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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  (910): She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere http://tfl.nu/frtj
  Replies (8) Good night (1426) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."

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  (337): Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her." http://tfl.nu/whil
  Replies (10) Good night (1515) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
  Replies (30) Good night (14485) Bad night (1050)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished

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  (630): Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished http://tfl.nu/r8cu
  Replies (14) Good night (1389) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best

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  (763): She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best http://tfl.nu/e685
  Replies (3) Good night (872) Bad night (250)
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  (714): View more from California

  Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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  (714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick http://tfl.nu/zf2b
  Replies (3) Good night (2124) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.

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  (270): My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore. http://tfl.nu/ol80
  Replies (4) Good night (288) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...

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  (270): I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night... http://tfl.nu/q37f
  Replies (6) Good night (364) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."

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  (626): It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed." http://tfl.nu/13ua
  Replies (4) Good night (556) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

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  (417): I rocked my own world, he was just a prop. http://tfl.nu/bt1f
  Replies (4) Good night (1437) Bad night (292) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.

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  (480): I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups. http://tfl.nu/acv0
  Replies (4) Good night (621) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?

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  (734): Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex? http://tfl.nu/vpmt
  Replies (7) Good night (1515) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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  (585): WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY! http://tfl.nu/cmgh
  Replies (17) Good night (2543) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

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  (818): Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it http://tfl.nu/vzjc
  Replies (10) Good night (1307) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

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  (617): You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33. (1-617): you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight http://tfl.nu/rpjk
  Replies (5) Good night (1849) Bad night (291)
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  (951): View more from California

  Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.

  (1-951): View more from California

  I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.

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  (951): Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny. (1-951): I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection. http://tfl.nu/lb55
  Replies (3) Good night (967) Bad night (291)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"

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  (716): I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!" http://tfl.nu/0j2g
  Replies (14) Good night (1348) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I just blew my weed a kiss

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  (828): I just blew my weed a kiss http://tfl.nu/vers
  Replies (5) Good night (897) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.

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  (250): we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time. http://tfl.nu/w6xu
  Replies (7) Good night (1341) Bad night (405)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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  (262): In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it" http://tfl.nu/19mj
  Replies (6) Good night (457) Bad night (1461) Order T-Shirt
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!

  (+45): View more from Denmark

  ... that would be easier though.

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  (+45): The world isn't going to end because you slept with him! (+45): ... that would be easier though. http://tfl.nu/hysm
  Replies (2) Good night (1178) Bad night (666)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

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  (330): I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong. http://tfl.nu/hqmh
  Replies (3) Good night (1042) Bad night (273) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

  (818): View more from California

  That was one of the best texts I got today

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  (760): Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner. (818): That was one of the best texts I got today http://tfl.nu/vb5p
  Replies (7) Good night (1581) Bad night (256)
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  (631): View more from New York

  Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.

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  (631): Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving. http://tfl.nu/bkg4
  Replies (4) Good night (683) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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  (205): Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails http://tfl.nu/p7in
  Replies (12) Good night (3284) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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  (720): We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins. http://tfl.nu/ctwf
  Replies (6) Good night (1510) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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  (519): I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots http://tfl.nu/46f2
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class

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  (814): I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class http://tfl.nu/2lhx
  Replies (7) Good night (917) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.

  (619): View more from California

  I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

  (760): View more from California

  I referred to the cat as amicable.

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  (760): Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat. (619): I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race. (760): I referred to the cat as amicable. http://tfl.nu/ls44
  Replies (4) Good night (1404) Bad night (415)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
  Replies (24) Good night (12311) Bad night (1373) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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  (859): Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed" http://tfl.nu/i5mp
  Replies (6) Good night (1819) Bad night (292) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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  (201): the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do http://tfl.nu/8wsa
  Replies (24) Good night (1311) Bad night (4181) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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  (443): His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake http://tfl.nu/rol0
  Replies (46) Good night (7163) Bad night (1393) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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  (419): Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus http://tfl.nu/mjlu
  Replies (11) Good night (1407) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  You fucker.

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  (603): Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age. (1-603): You fucker. http://tfl.nu/7pi3
  Replies (6) Good night (1157) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live

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  (954): And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live http://tfl.nu/94h1
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

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  (563): So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes! http://tfl.nu/5w2r
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.

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  (952): First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale. http://tfl.nu/145n
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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  (317): When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work. http://tfl.nu/4lb8
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  (425): View more from Washington

  The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.

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  (425): The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned. http://tfl.nu/65g6
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm two sheets to the sexual wind

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  (859): I'm two sheets to the sexual wind http://tfl.nu/hwsp
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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  (570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me". http://tfl.nu/8pyn
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  (805): View more from California

  You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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  (805): You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like. http://tfl.nu/70wr
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  (281): View more from Texas

  No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  This could be the definition of living by yourself

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  (281): No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower (1-281): This could be the definition of living by yourself http://tfl.nu/oh63
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This is why Helen Keller didn't drink

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  (902): This is why Helen Keller didn't drink http://tfl.nu/wpjw
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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  (250): I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder. http://tfl.nu/j76c
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  (585): View more from New York

  Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  How high are you?

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  (585): Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies. (1-585): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/ixro
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I'm romantic.

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  (306): I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones. (306): I'm romantic. http://tfl.nu/dair
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.

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  (403): luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist. http://tfl.nu/qzta
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

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  (613): New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple. http://tfl.nu/c07n
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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  (563): I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished. http://tfl.nu/1qri
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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  (814): I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography. http://tfl.nu/gojc
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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  (937): Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me. http://tfl.nu/hltr
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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  (843): i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex http://tfl.nu/fymj
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.

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  (425): I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone. http://tfl.nu/vl0d
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  (714): View more from California

  You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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  (714): You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue! http://tfl.nu/dw09
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  (310): View more from California

  I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.

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  (310): I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/eqf3
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos

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  (814): The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos http://tfl.nu/br7k
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.

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  (414): Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success. http://tfl.nu/e521
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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  (201): You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME. http://tfl.nu/tcyr
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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  (832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it. http://tfl.nu/3ywv
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  (360): View more from Washington

  sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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  (360): sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name. http://tfl.nu/z35x
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.

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  (620): I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin. http://tfl.nu/7pmc
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  (831): View more from California

  if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please

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  (831): if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please http://tfl.nu/sfv9
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth

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  (402): Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth http://tfl.nu/4hkn
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?

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  (202): Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear? http://tfl.nu/m1et
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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  (919): Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted http://tfl.nu/7mo3
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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  (717): We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes. http://tfl.nu/zq4p
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.

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  (201): This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw. http://tfl.nu/lq9h
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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  (601): He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT. http://tfl.nu/hra9
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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  (516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x
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