Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
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