Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
