The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
She said her name was "party"
i think i have herpe
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*