so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"