dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How drunk are you??
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
we're making bets on your personal life
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i dont even know how to be here
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?