Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just googled if crying burns calories
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We left an ass print on the piano.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby