And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
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A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?