His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
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Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
bring money and cleavage
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section