Texts From Last Night

staish3819's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills. http://tfl.nu/whjf
  Replies (8) Good night (801) Bad night (174) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients http://tfl.nu/50sw
  Replies (2) Good night (535) Bad night (164) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph. http://tfl.nu/ubbg
  Replies (5) Good night (858) Bad night (197)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend? http://tfl.nu/yz0d
  Replies (1) Good night (488) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

  (512): View more from Texas

  This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it (1-512): We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream... (512): This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life. http://tfl.nu/ar28
  Replies (5) Good night (2566) Bad night (314)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS. http://tfl.nu/290q
  Replies (1) Good night (270) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells http://tfl.nu/uff7
  Replies (3) Good night (695) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know http://tfl.nu/qmd3
  Replies (7) Good night (660) Bad night (302)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing http://tfl.nu/ciob
  Replies (1) Good night (699) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (819): View more from Quebec

  I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (819): I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex. http://tfl.nu/mg33
  Replies (8) Good night (2317) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords. http://tfl.nu/1djr
  Replies (4) Good night (1756) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me". http://tfl.nu/8pyn
  Replies (10) Good night (3885) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson. http://tfl.nu/3wwn
  Replies (6) Good night (1088) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? http://tfl.nu/uqe9
  Replies (5) Good night (512) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara. http://tfl.nu/jqcr
  Replies (11) Good night (741) Bad night (1289) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired http://tfl.nu/r2a7
  Replies (5) Good night (667) Bad night (1385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine. http://tfl.nu/rrcc
  Replies (3) Good night (1717) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state. http://tfl.nu/9dzb
  Replies (6) Good night (2515) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could. http://tfl.nu/cj4q
  Replies (74) Good night (3761) Bad night (17773) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (225) Good night (7500) Bad night (72128)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now. http://tfl.nu/tbbh
  Replies (5) Good night (1164) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on. (636): Sounds like he's doing this for your own good... http://tfl.nu/dn1j
  Replies (3) Good night (1413) Bad night (331)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out http://tfl.nu/ezsq
  Replies (18) Good night (2107) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people. http://tfl.nu/tw6k
  Replies (3) Good night (1282) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there. http://tfl.nu/8rlf
  Replies (8) Good night (774) Bad night (2677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): It's like shitshowville, population: those girls. http://tfl.nu/vlzn
  Replies (2) Good night (975) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender. http://tfl.nu/0llk
  Replies (1) Good night (917) Bad night (352) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (276): View more from Virginia

  They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (276): They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends? http://tfl.nu/rjha
  Replies (8) Good night (1422) Bad night (606)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know). http://tfl.nu/1aw3
  Replies (8) Good night (1085) Bad night (399)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you. http://tfl.nu/bzso
  Replies (11) Good night (3175) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch. http://tfl.nu/isdv
  Replies (4) Good night (3198) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
  Replies (27) Good night (3262) Bad night (507)
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch. http://tfl.nu/qcd2
  Replies (3) Good night (1582) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me http://tfl.nu/sziw
  Replies (5) Good night (1560) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!" http://tfl.nu/rhjr
  Replies (1) Good night (684) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

  (1-951): View more from California

  This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you. (1-951): This is the first time I'm hearing this information. http://tfl.nu/wdlz
  Replies (20) Good night (3489) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!! http://tfl.nu/6chb
  Replies (17) Good night (1143) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

  (951): View more from California

  dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited (951): dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles http://tfl.nu/4z6p
  Replies (7) Good night (1304) Bad night (532)
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER. http://tfl.nu/q9ww
  Replies (12) Good night (1309) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle. http://tfl.nu/r2o0
  Replies (3) Good night (2960) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/jhvn
  Replies (12) Good night (1533) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year. http://tfl.nu/g3sd
  Replies (4) Good night (1421) Bad night (330)
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all. http://tfl.nu/5qpa
  Replies (12) Good night (2048) Bad night (484)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever

  (509): View more from Washington

  but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever (509): but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid http://tfl.nu/bu4c
  Replies (9) Good night (2263) Bad night (463)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art. http://tfl.nu/g5lr
  Replies (14) Good night (2084) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/aqg4
  Replies (0) Good night (1080) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit. http://tfl.nu/379t
  Replies (9) Good night (2697) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month. http://tfl.nu/i8z5
  Replies (15) Good night (1948) Bad night (586)
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): Think I pulled my pelvic muscle. (416): I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle. http://tfl.nu/mzl9
  Replies (6) Good night (1859) Bad night (516)
• Favorite

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (808): And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up. http://tfl.nu/dab6
  Replies (9) Good night (3317) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you. http://tfl.nu/5ard
  Replies (3) Good night (1305) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie. http://tfl.nu/eccp
  Replies (4) Good night (2083) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else. http://tfl.nu/cpkz
  Replies (11) Good night (3343) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now. http://tfl.nu/59k6
  Replies (9) Good night (1434) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  What other scale is there?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale. (602): What other scale is there? http://tfl.nu/fdnh
  Replies (17) Good night (2434) Bad night (485)
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back http://tfl.nu/294t
  Replies (7) Good night (2601) Bad night (654)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

  (408): View more from California

  your beer goggles are on backwards.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive?? (408): your beer goggles are on backwards. http://tfl.nu/ojnh
  Replies (4) Good night (3900) Bad night (528)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff. http://tfl.nu/cfnv
  Replies (2) Good night (1180) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  sick fucks of a feather flock together

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): sick fucks of a feather flock together http://tfl.nu/mkne
  Replies (9) Good night (1961) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
  Replies (11) Good night (4413) Bad night (538)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends? http://tfl.nu/kqn5
  Replies (5) Good night (2860) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

  (253): View more from Washington

  ppsyche im wasted where are you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down (253): ppsyche im wasted where are you http://tfl.nu/a8tg
  Replies (5) Good night (3436) Bad night (516)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/cgk3
  Replies (8) Good night (3205) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed http://tfl.nu/t8qm
  Replies (28) Good night (5148) Bad night (1214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page. http://tfl.nu/te1t
  Replies (40) Good night (3372) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66700) Bad night (2994) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up. http://tfl.nu/6w2h
  Replies (8) Good night (1052) Bad night (1494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle http://tfl.nu/n0zg
  Replies (14) Good night (4714) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
  Replies (19) Good night (6152) Bad night (779)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

  (818): View more from California

  No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Can we just ponder our lives for a second. (818): No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles. http://tfl.nu/vtnc
  Replies (7) Good night (2017) Bad night (703)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer http://tfl.nu/enk8
  Replies (4) Good night (1948) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
  Replies (20) Good night (7987) Bad night (811)
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love. http://tfl.nu/h785
  Replies (9) Good night (1418) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text. http://tfl.nu/e61q
  Replies (8) Good night (2985) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other. http://tfl.nu/w5qg
  Replies (20) Good night (1723) Bad night (668)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right

  (631): View more from New York

  Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15

  (585): View more from New York

  hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right (631): Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15 (585): hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos http://tfl.nu/8bsi
  Replies (8) Good night (2076) Bad night (452)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): At what point would you like us to save you from yourself? http://tfl.nu/30aa
  Replies (3) Good night (1845) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had. http://tfl.nu/2xlf
  Replies (28) Good night (7807) Bad night (1107) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+31): I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew. http://tfl.nu/u42t
  Replies (14) Good night (2896) Bad night (1087)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng. http://tfl.nu/fp0t
  Replies (14) Good night (4599) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize. http://tfl.nu/ao6w
  Replies (5) Good night (1914) Bad night (505)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

  (518): View more from New York

  So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif
  Replies (36) Good night (4784) Bad night (849)
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (172994) Bad night (6893) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests".... http://tfl.nu/4e7u
  Replies (5) Good night (3402) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals. http://tfl.nu/vphu
  Replies (14) Good night (2245) Bad night (578)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (28) Good night (6936) Bad night (773)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty http://tfl.nu/k1cq
  Replies (29) Good night (1246) Bad night (2433) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something http://tfl.nu/b053
  Replies (10) Good night (1487) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

  (1-928): View more from Arizona

  They dropped the charges?

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Yeppers. Come drink beers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): I deem it safe for us to drink together again. (1-928): They dropped the charges? (928): Yeppers. Come drink beers. http://tfl.nu/va29
  Replies (8) Good night (2771) Bad night (555)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards? http://tfl.nu/ktqz
  Replies (66) Good night (16991) Bad night (1898) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters http://tfl.nu/r1et
  Replies (20) Good night (3989) Bad night (1120) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like? (859): i already know. Delicious. Use ranch. http://tfl.nu/w6yr
  Replies (19) Good night (3530) Bad night (551)
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do. http://tfl.nu/e7db
  Replies (12) Good night (2875) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

  (747): View more from California

  Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks. (747): Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either. http://tfl.nu/6mbq
  Replies (22) Good night (3815) Bad night (592)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children? http://tfl.nu/23ha
  Replies (11) Good night (2757) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut. http://tfl.nu/vwy6
  Replies (8) Good night (4887) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor http://tfl.nu/ext1
  Replies (5) Good night (881) Bad night (1979) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer. http://tfl.nu/d9h5
  Replies (11) Good night (2861) Bad night (592)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168221) Bad night (42146) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals http://tfl.nu/rxm6
  Replies (15) Good night (3941) Bad night (1137) Order T-Shirt