Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My room smells like vodka and shame
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Less talking, more tequila
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them