Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
