Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Even my vagina gasped.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.