We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
of course. lets lasso hookers.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?