Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
