He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"