who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.