I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I intend to get homeless drunk
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".