professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
this boner is exhausting
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays