Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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