in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
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you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"