Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i would punch a child for taco bell
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you