Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Houston, we have a blender
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.