Texts From Last Night

holliewood007's Favorites Texts:

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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (58) Good night (15850) Bad night (836)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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  (210): Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors. http://tfl.nu/4w9v
  Replies (20) Good night (3531) Bad night (1805) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out

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  (814): Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out http://tfl.nu/m2bp
  Replies (6) Good night (1528) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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  (610): Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates. http://tfl.nu/faj1
  Replies (5) Good night (2417) Bad night (553)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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  (801): I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified http://tfl.nu/y3tt
  Replies (13) Good night (2406) Bad night (992) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game

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  (651): Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game http://tfl.nu/de08
  Replies (13) Good night (1547) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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  (218): you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen" http://tfl.nu/038r
  Replies (8) Good night (2610) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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  (775): all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now. http://tfl.nu/wlt7
  Replies (16) Good night (2340) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.

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  (703): I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding. http://tfl.nu/inbb
  Replies (5) Good night (1785) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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  (262): put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone http://tfl.nu/kic6
  Replies (16) Good night (3532) Bad night (619) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?

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  (713): OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer? http://tfl.nu/g8wt
  Replies (13) Good night (705) Bad night (2302) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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  (708): I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving. http://tfl.nu/rym8
  Replies (6) Good night (3103) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel awful

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Physically or morally

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.

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  (513): I feel awful (1-513): Physically or morally (513): Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances. http://tfl.nu/3wvv
  Replies (10) Good night (2490) Bad night (632)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.

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  (508): It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode. http://tfl.nu/vudg
  Replies (4) Good night (2246) Bad night (487)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids

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  (970): Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids http://tfl.nu/uov9
  Replies (4) Good night (777) Bad night (2095) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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  (989): My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war http://tfl.nu/yle2
  Replies (12) Good night (2502) Bad night (554) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

  (805): View more from California

  Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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  (818): You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy. (805): Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people. http://tfl.nu/c90f
  Replies (2) Good night (2152) Bad night (494)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them

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  (217): I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them http://tfl.nu/sgxd
  Replies (5) Good night (1987) Bad night (805) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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  (916): Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash http://tfl.nu/rtwe
  Replies (9) Good night (2145) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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  (248): Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'. http://tfl.nu/4pwa
  Replies (10) Good night (5340) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  what are we doing this weekend?

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.

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  (708): what are we doing this weekend? (1-708): I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store. http://tfl.nu/uvwp
  Replies (5) Good night (1951) Bad night (1073)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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  (817): Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent" http://tfl.nu/6trp
  Replies (6) Good night (1217) Bad night (2561) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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  (516): i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets http://tfl.nu/efkf
  Replies (6) Good night (2577) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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  (202): Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it. http://tfl.nu/4ii1
  Replies (2) Good night (2831) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
  Replies (10) Good night (1557) Bad night (3007) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.

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  (407): I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye. http://tfl.nu/cusq
  Replies (2) Good night (1991) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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  (719): Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room http://tfl.nu/c34s
  Replies (5) Good night (3208) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

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  (513): I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem" http://tfl.nu/bkek
  Replies (4) Good night (1870) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.

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  (940): Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line. http://tfl.nu/5wo4
  Replies (5) Good night (729) Bad night (1619) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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  (862): I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you? http://tfl.nu/xnnk
  Replies (16) Good night (2278) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Adult decisions.

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  (206): Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility? (206): Adult decisions. http://tfl.nu/m22f
  Replies (3) Good night (1768) Bad night (788)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said

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  (214): I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said http://tfl.nu/i92d
  Replies (5) Good night (588) Bad night (1393) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.

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  (419): There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself. http://tfl.nu/9p33
  Replies (3) Good night (684) Bad night (1036)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.

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  (706): Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat. http://tfl.nu/kq42
  Replies (4) Good night (2267) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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  (701): Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten. http://tfl.nu/1asa
  Replies (13) Good night (5523) Bad night (638)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day

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  (203): Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day http://tfl.nu/dgax
  Replies (23) Good night (1700) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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  (785): Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine.. http://tfl.nu/247z
  Replies (8) Good night (4652) Bad night (1381) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

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  (860): We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no" http://tfl.nu/13gy
  Replies (7) Good night (2306) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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  (832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it. http://tfl.nu/3ywv
  Replies (25) Good night (5420) Bad night (1224) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

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  (480): I would never do this in real life. It's only college. http://tfl.nu/l8vq
  Replies (4) Good night (2691) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie

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  (612): Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie http://tfl.nu/901f
  Replies (3) Good night (2349) Bad night (680)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight

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  (770): Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight http://tfl.nu/pi0o
  Replies (5) Good night (1434) Bad night (564)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.

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  (505): He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand. http://tfl.nu/5zt4
  Replies (2) Good night (843) Bad night (1784)
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  (760): View more from California

  Houston, we have a blender

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  (760): Houston, we have a blender http://tfl.nu/azdt
  Replies (4) Good night (2126) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.

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  (561): Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN. http://tfl.nu/5n63
  Replies (12) Good night (2488) Bad night (1028) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring

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  (816): I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring http://tfl.nu/n1of
  Replies (2) Good night (1993) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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  (303): Why is there bacon braided in my hair http://tfl.nu/324s
  Replies (15) Good night (3222) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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  (203): You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at http://tfl.nu/66cb
  Replies (5) Good night (2421) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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  (541): Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots. http://tfl.nu/feja
  Replies (4) Good night (2852) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.

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  (520): Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell. http://tfl.nu/mi1d
  Replies (11) Good night (1833) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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  (519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/bwa3
  Replies (9) Good night (3983) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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  (352): I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND http://tfl.nu/oakz
  Replies (32) Good night (1592) Bad night (3352) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human

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  (650): Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human http://tfl.nu/6fr0
  Replies (4) Good night (2372) Bad night (957) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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  (916): I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up http://tfl.nu/ccq8
  Replies (5) Good night (2537) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

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  (205): i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP http://tfl.nu/52p4
  Replies (12) Good night (2188) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

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  (417): In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D. http://tfl.nu/wwrb
  Replies (9) Good night (2617) Bad night (760)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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  (225): we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table http://tfl.nu/ufec
  Replies (13) Good night (2053) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her

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  (905): She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her http://tfl.nu/rw3c
  Replies (8) Good night (2255) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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  (978): I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened. http://tfl.nu/wamv
  Replies (11) Good night (2415) Bad night (1132)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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  (765): You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?" http://tfl.nu/g1nx
  Replies (21) Good night (1274) Bad night (3866) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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  (918): Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking. http://tfl.nu/gpcu
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  (209): View more from California

  Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.

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  (209): Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt. http://tfl.nu/nrp4
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

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  (+61): I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast http://tfl.nu/icj5
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.

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  (843): Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing. http://tfl.nu/zggy
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom

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  (612): Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/d012
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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  (905): Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights. http://tfl.nu/cnu2
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

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  (718): He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head. http://tfl.nu/789t
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.

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  (978): Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday. http://tfl.nu/eeh8
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  (716): View more from New York

  i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

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  (716): i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me http://tfl.nu/peek
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  (315): View more from New York

  Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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  (315): Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife. http://tfl.nu/jnj1
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.

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  (469): Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again. http://tfl.nu/qvag
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"

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  (606): It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?" http://tfl.nu/9bht
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  (409): View more from Texas

  You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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  (409): You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you. http://tfl.nu/firf
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.

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  (601): So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment. http://tfl.nu/ledy
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I had to brake up with him.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  In my experience drinking helps.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You dont want to know why?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Not really. I want to drink.

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  (480): I had to brake up with him. (602): In my experience drinking helps. (480): You dont want to know why? (602): Not really. I want to drink. http://tfl.nu/mwqo
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  (760): View more from California

  can you blow me for old times sake

  (951): View more from California

  only for old times sake

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  (760): can you blow me for old times sake (951): only for old times sake http://tfl.nu/ab6d
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

  (269): View more from Michigan

  Gonna go for any of them?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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  (248): All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go. (269): Gonna go for any of them? (248): Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us. http://tfl.nu/3pp6
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.

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  (865): Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america. http://tfl.nu/zhnq
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  (713): View more from Texas

  On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.

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  (713): On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day. http://tfl.nu/dyk5
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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  (815): My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vh8b
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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  (206): Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence. http://tfl.nu/f8os
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

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  (570): i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition. http://tfl.nu/mkq9
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.

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  (623): Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes. http://tfl.nu/phpt
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  (661): View more from California

  I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.

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  (661): I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day. http://tfl.nu/ltd0
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me

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  (713): Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me http://tfl.nu/9ft0
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.

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  (281): Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers. http://tfl.nu/dra4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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  (314): The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight http://tfl.nu/sdqv
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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  (303): I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B http://tfl.nu/0558
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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  (248): I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is http://tfl.nu/r4l9
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.

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  (705): Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over. http://tfl.nu/0oyy
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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  (314): who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night? http://tfl.nu/qhm4
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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  (289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe
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  (626): View more from California

  He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

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  (626): He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex. http://tfl.nu/kqx4
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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  (613): I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.." http://tfl.nu/n3mo
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  (315): View more from New York

  some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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  (315): some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad. http://tfl.nu/fabc
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA

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  (+44): He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA http://tfl.nu/iogl
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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  (813): Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b. http://tfl.nu/ahce
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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  (908): i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend. http://tfl.nu/myz5
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.

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  (510): I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper. http://tfl.nu/fogv
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

  (416): View more from Toronto

  That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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  (416): I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him". (416): That's about an "8" on normal scales. http://tfl.nu/joyf
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