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The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
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