Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
