I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...