true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
