Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
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Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We left an ass print on the piano.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
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It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch