I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Your dad touched me again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife