She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling