Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
false alarm. still invincible.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum