They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You coming home soon, man?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.