Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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