Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not