Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my sisters under your porch take her home
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Say something about gay babies.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?