SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero