Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
no, he came in my armpit
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My cat gives me a boner
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!