There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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