Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
zippers are such a cool invention
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Cold hands, warm shart.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Follow @tfln