i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
