i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night