You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.