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I need you to use more vowels.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
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She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"