Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?