My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
