Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Duck Duck Cougar?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He felt like a one man threesome
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Redeem this text for a blowjob
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Quick, to the slutcave!
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor