This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.