I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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