The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
This is evicking siegelnvs
This is fucking ridiculous*
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.